Can I scream yet? And can this night get any worse?

So, my sister and I had our biggest fight is what seems like over a year now.

According to her, I have deliberately and intentionally put every person of my family down, have called them stupid specifically, and am a colossal bitch. I am also lazy, and apparently "refuse to grow up". (I have taken out swear words as there are just too many). Also, my bf has apparently told her that I can only be dealt with by being allowed to vent and then to be left alone, with him agreeing on me being a bitch (he and I will be having a long chat rather soon about this.) I don't respect any of my family members, refuse to support them, and refuse to listen to them.

*deep breath, trying to remain calm and failing*

I would like to know precisely how and when I have told specific people that I thought they were stupid. I have heard this comment a lot from my sister and my older brother that I have apparently said this to both of them, but most of my conversations with them involves me giving monosyllabic answers such as "yeah, uhhun, okay, sure".

I would also like to know when have they EVER supported me and what I do. NONE of my siblings have EVER come to my choir concerts (and there have been many). NONE of my siblings have EVER cared about what I do because I don't EVER get the chance to tell them what I am doing because I am listening to how cute this dog is, or what an asshole this person at work is from them.

I get told that my bf surprising me with flowers one morning is creepy, not sweet...well, that is just one thing he does. He likes surprising me with little things, even though I have told him that I don't need any of it.

Apparently, me trying to talk with my brothers who hide in their rooms most of the time equals me being an ostrich who hides in her room when people insult me to the point where I refuse to take it any longer. Road go two ways here people.

Also, I would like to point out that I have been called stupid for attending my university, stupid for accepting a promise ring, stupid for going out with someone who is nine years my senior, stupid for choosing to become an author, stupid for not having a career the minute i got out of school, stupid that I did not get 3.5 GPA instead of the 3.44 GPA that I did get, stupid for choosing to pursue my love of singing and writing, stupid for having to move back home after school, stupid for not knowing everything, stupid for every little thing imaginable. I am tired of this crap.

Most of the conversations I have had with my siblings in the past four years have been me listening to the same stories that they always tell, and then me having to go do homework or stuff because I know they don't care because they cannot see the immediate result of what I do. I am tired of being the odd girl out. I am tired of being told I take things way too personally. I am tired of having them try to manipulate my life and my decisions with who I share it with. I am tired that me wanting to read is seen as me being antisocial when I know they don't want to talk to me anyways. I am tired of being called a bitch when I try to have a positive outlook, try to listen and support everyone, but I can't be mom. I am not their mother, nor do I wish to be a mother for quite a few years. I am tired of my introvert-ness being taken as anti-social, odd, me being a bitch.

I am tired of this bull shit.
  • Current Mood
    angry angry

This weekend is going to be fun...not...

My sister arrived one hour ago, insulted me three times, my dog four times, and then tried to control who I can and cannot invite to my own wedding...oh and did I mention that I am not even engaged yet? Then she accuses me of being a baby because I refuse to put up with her spewing insults to my face when she tries to have an "adult" conversation. So, yeah, not pleased right now. And all this over one of my good guy friends who went to school with my sister and older brother and apparently gave them the "heeby-geebies". Then when I try to understand where they are coming from, they said it was just a gut reaction and that they don't want him to be there.

Okay. Several things wrong with this picture.

1. I am not engaged yet. I am not planning a wedding at this current moment.

2. The guy in question has been one of my best guy friends for the past seven years. I am making his wedding cake and am a bridesmaid in his wedding.

3. Who I invite to MY wedding should not be up to my siblings.

4. An adult conversation is when both sides get heard and no one insults one another or their friends, not what my siblings call an adult conversation.

5. If they do not like the fact that he will be invited at the wedding, I have kindly told them they can be adults and try to be civil, not the rude asses they are threatening to be if he shows up.

When I explained these points, they then demanded full control over my seating arrangements, which I refused as I did not and will not demand it for their nuptials. Then I told them that if that was their idea of an adult conversation, come back and talk to me when they can do so without insults. If they choose to be asses at my wedding, I will simply ask them to leave. I don't care if they are family and he is my friend, but if they cannot put aside their feelings for each other for ONE FREAKING DAY and act like children, then they can go to bed at a child's time: early.

Adult conversations about one's wedding should not be a list of demands that the one that is getting married should listen and abide to. If they truly understood what it means to be an adult, they would understand that my wedding has nothing to do with them and their dislike for one of my good friends. They would be supportive for me and understanding that I did not want a couple of people invited to my sister's wedding this past summer, but I held my tongue. I don't want a few people to be invited to my older brother's wedding, but I understand that it is not my place to make such demands. A wedding is about celebrating the union of two people who are in love, not causing drama over a twenty year old feeling. 
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

Life is not good right now

So, my brother decided to blow up on me tonight. Said that because I have a degree that I was stupid as I don't have real life experience as I have spent my entire life in school. Then I heard that he thought I called him stupid to my grandmother, which made everything clear.

First of all, I did not, and will never call my brother stupid.

Second of all, my grandmother does not have all her marbles anymore.

That being said, it is extremely frustrating when someone thinks I said something that I did not, hearing that it came from my grandmother, and then me having to clue them in that my grandmother LIKES TO CAUSE DRAMA! Why? BECAUSE SHE IS BORED OUT OF HER MIND! I thought that I was not the only one who knew that my grandmother has been losing it over the past five years. My mom and sister know, but apparently, my brother did not realize that my grandmother likes to cause drama and to gossip.

So, from that, I got called stupid for not applying for McD's when I've been applying for receptionist positions and the like (well over 400 positions applied for since last month) that pay roughly the same amount. I got called stupid for following my dream of being a novelist. I got called stupid for getting my degree and not immediately getting a job. Because apparently only the people who work the grimy fast food and gas station jobs are worth anything according to my brother.

I have dreams. I have plans on how to achieve those dreams. I have been working actively to achieve those dreams sooner. I'm sorry that my brother does not see the effort that I put in because I'm not getting paid right now. I'm sorry that that is what constitutes as failing at life. But he cannot and will not know how hard the past four years have been. How hard I have worked to achieve what I've achieved. How many nights I've spent well over 16 hours at school, only to come home and write a paper all night and to repeat the long day again. How many profs and staff know me and know my writing and are willing to be references for me, but apparently they don't count.

So, yeah, I am pissed, I'm upset, I am missing T like crazy, and I want a job that actually brings me a sense of worth. I want a job in which I can be proud to say that I work there. I want a place in which I can help others. But mostly, I want the people who say that being a graduate with a BA and no job is relaxing because they are full of BULLSH!T! 
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

A little catching up

So...it's been awhile...since I've posted anything really.

I guess I can blame life for just taking hold and becoming insanely busy, but with busyness comes drama as well.

Where to start.

I have officially graduated from university with my BA in English and Music...my last term was actually my best term in terms of marks and happiness level.

I am still with T, and yes, he has given me a promise ring to symbolize that his intentions are true and that he intends to make me his fiance, then wife, then mother of his children (several years from now...like...at LEAST Five years). I do love in with all of my heart and am incredibly blessed to have found someone who enjoys all my quirks as much as I enjoy expressing them.
  That being said, my sister did not exactly understand why he couldn't simply just propose to me...but then again, she forgets that I am only 22, that I've only been with him for 11 months, and that I don't want to be married before I'm 24. T does. Thank You God! She can be a bitch at times, but the only way she thinks love can be expressed to her is verbally, whereas I am much more of a quality time together and cuddling time together person. She also forgets that there are different ways of dating and courtship. Where her relationship was very much a dating procedure, mine has been more of a traditional courtship style. Unexpected, but thoroughly enjoyable. I told T that I wanted to get to know him before anything else, that we must find common ground as friends before I could even consider him as anything else...then he shows up with flowers and is a complete old-style gentleman in the fact that he lavished me with everything, not expecting anything in return. Yeah...we are just a tad the traditional relationship couple thing people...:)

Next piece of news...and a bit shocking...bitch 2 contacted my family...yeah, and my cousin is pregnant...not so surprising there. Now, my mother wants me to forgive and forget everything she has ever said to me...yeah, not quite sure how to approach this situation...I guess I just have to wait and see if she ever apologizes for being a bitch in the first place...then I'll figure everything else out from there.

So, all in all, I am happy, healthy, hoping that I get a job soon, and will be able to start searching for places to live with T in the city. Things are looking up for the most part. Time to begin the new chapter of my life :)
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful

Happy? New Year

Happy New Year to anyone reading this. 

Now to get down to business. 

This is pretty much the summary of how I've been feeling these past 24 days as I have not had a day off since, literally, the 1st of January. In between of school and chaplaincy stuff, I have been booked solid and I am not dealing well right now. 

I actually had to start delegating some of my chaplaincy duties until further as I need to get sleep.

But right now, school is somewhat fine, and chaplaincy, for the most part is fine. It's everything else that has me freaking out.

Let me explain.

Three weeks ago, I had a panic attack. One so severe that I couldn't eat or sleep for several days and it was as if I was stuck at the bottom of a hole and couldn't get myself out. I am somewhat out of that hole, but I would rather not tell what caused it besides moving to a point in which I thought I was ready, but clearly was not. T had a part in both causing it and helping me recover, so no blaming him.This panic caused me to start off the term rather horribly and with no energy in which to attack my new classes, included my favourite *sarcasm* Historiographic Metafiction. And before you even ask me what that is, I don't even know, and it's been three weeks. 

As if taking a full course load and work wasn't enough, I also have way too many people who are asking me what my plan is for May and the following months after that. I can only answer that I don't know. I don't know what is in store for me, I don't know where I will be, or even if I will be living in the same town as T as he finishes up his training. It is this not knowing that freaks me out. I don't know what to say to people who think I need to know now when most employers are looking for people with experience. How can I prove that I have experience when I have spent the past four years in a classroom or on my computer trying to get a job that would give me experience? How can I prove that I am dedicated to learn how to be an author and whatever else might come up before then. I don't know. 

I do know that T asked me to move in with him and he would prefer if I waited to move down to Calg until he is done his training, but I don't know if I can stay in Cam that long. I have spent the last four years of my life in this tiny town and I am itching to go someplace with a decent book store and people who know what public transportation is. I don't know what kind of job I would get or even where I will live, and I don't know. I JUST DON'T KNOW! 

I do know that I want to spend the rest of my life with T AND K-SAN YOU HAD BETTER NOT TELL HIM THIS!!! He makes me incredibly happy, despite causing some panic attacks, but I think that I am slowly breaking down walls that need to be broken down. Maybe not right now, but eventually. There are also too many things I want to do before I get married and settle down. I want to travel. I want to go to a few conferences that are just for fun. I want to continue writing and figure out who I am out of school. There are many things that terrify me of the future and one of those is the lack of knowing of anything. 

ARGH! Pretty much sums it up. ARGH!!!
  • Current Mood
    terrified

Have I been that blind?

Last night, I got to meet my boyfriend of 5 months' friends last night, and found out some rather interesting stories about T, my boyfriend. 

For one, I got told his first thought of me that he sent to his two friends, who then echoed it five times last night, was "Damn, she is hot."

  Now I have never really thought of myself as hot, or good looking, or relatively pretty without being dressed up to perform. Call me insecure, but I have just never thought of myself as this, so to be told time and time again that my boyfriend and his friends think I am good looking is odd, just odd, and I am not even sure whether it is a good odd or not.

  For one, I usually stay in my pjs as long as possible, especially when doing homework as they are comfy and I don't feel the need to then put in my contacts or do my hair or even to remotely look close to what would be society's expectation of what women should look like. I like being comfortable, and since my chosen path at school and for a career involves me locking myself in a small room for hours on end, writing, I don't feel the need to dress up for a date with my word document. I like pjs with some hot beverages and if I can swing it, a roaring fire, but is usually a couple of candles. 

  Maybe I just don't usually see myself that way because I spend so much time in my mind, creating my stories, that I don't spend enough time in the outside world, realizing that my body is adequate by today's standards, but I still don't see me as hot.
  I have acne, and it just doesn't go away. 
  My stomach is not flat as I prefer to not have my hip bones showing and rubbing against my jeans as I walk.
  I am short and have this strange dislike to wear heels most days to look around normal height.
  I prefer to spend hours reading instead of on my hair or makeup
  I also prefer just to sleep in for an extra 45 minutes instead of dressing up to spend all day in a classroom.
 
  The student chaplains and I have discussed a lot this past week of what we perceive to be perfection and while I make the point of perfection being an impossible state, I still have no idea why I try to reach for it. I actually don't care what people on a day to day basis think about me, because I know if i try to please everyone, I am going to end up being miserable, while I know that T prefers me in my sweat pants, if only because he likes looking at my ass. 

ARGH! I am running in circles here. I am behind on my book, and my homework and THIS is what I am thinking about?!??!? Unbelievable, yet, not surprising. Needless to say, I got the friends' approval after about ten minutes and they were planning their speeches for our "wedding" when T hasn't even asked me within fifteen minutes after meeting me. How come I have the feeling that a lot of people are planning stuff for our "wedding" when I don't even know if I will be with him at the end of the year, let alone for the rest of my life? Come what may I suppose.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

An Update

So, I decided I needed to write an update of my life thus far, or at least an update of how September was. Truth be told, it was stressful and wonderful at the same time. 

Let me elaborate.

My boyfriend, T, is AMAZING!!!! I don't just say this because he spoils me all the time, makes me smile with a simple text message, or the fact that he is willing to give me massages while I do my homework. I say this because even when I feel sick and like crap, he asks if there is anything he can do to make my life a little easier. I say this because even though he is terrified of meeting my family this weekend, he is still going with a positive outlook. I say this because, and I haven't told him this yet, but am going to soon, I love him. Plain and simple, love him. We were talking last night of where life is leading us and he admitted to having a feeling at the end of the last school year that told him to stick around town for a little while. Then, after meeting me at our then mutual place of work, our now mutual place of unemployment, he texted his best friend just like I did mine, freaking out, apparently about his desire to get to know me and how there was something about me that he just couldn't get off his mind...apparently he was stumbling a bit around work that night. He still stumbles around work sometimes, but that's only when I switch my work outfit without telling him, which is the highlight of my week, when I see him, usually calm and controlled, stumbling around, trying to make sense of the world while being distracted. It's kind of funny, well, from my point of view. Anyways, I digress, I love him, and I can't wait for him to meet everyone so that they can see what an amazing guy and gentleman he is. And he loves dogs...always a plus.... :)

So that was the wonderful part.

Now for the stressful part.

I had to quit my work because the drama between the employer and all the employees was more stressful than me doing a full course load and an extra class in my final year of university. I would be more relaxed during the week days than on the weekends when said employer worked. Also, her lack of trust or ability to see people's capability to do a job despite being there for several months, doing said job everyday without fail, kind of grated on my last nerve. Also, I found out that she owes me a TON of money. I am informing her of this after I get my letter of reference and my last day comes and goes so that I have the law on my side without me leaving on a sour note. 

So, yeah, my life in a nut shell...also, got put in Soprano 2 this year...no idea why despite me being able to sing higher and lower than the majority of the female members of the choir. I guess she wanted my power in the harmony instead of the melody. Oh well *shrugs shoulders*

Also, I have finished my book, but it is painful to read, so I am rewriting it during NaNoWriMo next month. Am I insane? Quite possibly. Anyways, I just want to finish this off saying that I miss my best friend who doesn't live anywhere near me immensely, and I hope to see her soon :)
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

STUPID PEOPLE!!!!

Okay, just one person. If you haven't guessed it by now, it's C...dear lovely C who messed with my brain and emotions.

Yep

So, let me bring everyone into the situation. Me, happily going out with my boyfriend T for the past three months, excitedly waiting for work to be done tonight so that I can see him, gets a phonecall from C. I allow it to go to voicemail as I have no intention of letting that guy into my life ever again. He was/is poison for me, and I will not allow him to spew up anymore insecurities in me as I am finally being able to let go of some of my trust issues that HE CREATED!!!! 

So naturally, I am pissed off. WHY THE HELL CAN'T HE FIGURE OUT THAT HE IS NEITHER WANTED OR NEEDED IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!!!! I am pissed off that he can't figure that out and allow me to live my life happy.

So, yeah, just to bring people up on my emotional state after a crazy non-weekend of school work. UGH!
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

I need an outlet

This past two months have been the most amazing and horrid two months of my life, and it comes to a boiling point next week.

Let me explain,

Two months ago, I met T, a guy who is nine years older than me, but is entirely respectful and nice and wonderful. He has helped me through quite a few insecurities within myself while still keeping things light and fun for both of us. He has now brought me flowers twice and both times have been wonderful surprises. I feel completely relaxed in his arms, knowing that he knows that I am bisexual and that I am waiting until marriage before I have sex and he is okay with it all. He is also understanding that I need to take things slowly. 

Here's the kicker: I can't say anything to anyone for fear it reaches my sister's/family's ears before my sister's wedding.

So, the majority of people who I know care about me, don't know that I've met this incredible guy that I am falling for while being risen above what I thought imaginable. 

All of this because my sister is an attention hog, not because it will be her wedding day soon, but if I even bring up the fact that I like someone, she feels threatened that her status of being the only child of my parents in a relationship is compromise. I was going to let everyone know last month that I have officially entered into a relationship, but my sister would have definitely killed him or me, or both.

Now, I realize some people might think I am overreacting to this or overstating or making my sister to seem like a nightmare, but I'm not kidding. She has threatened guys with their lives before if they didn't end their relationship with me. She doesn't know that I have gone on two dates with two girls, because then she would lock me up in an insane asylum. And no, it's not because she's homophobic, but my dad is. 

Now, when I turned 21, you would think people would have made me feel special that day, but instead, my sister got a puppy so I was once again, shoved aside to appease my sister's ego. It makes me feel like shit.

So, now, I am incredibly happy and I want to let the world know, and I am forced to keep this a secret like my bisexuality for fear of my sister's and my dad's reaction to it all. I feel like I can't say anything and that I have to censor my thoughts and feelings to appease my family. I feel entirely fake and that makes me terrified of the wedding next week. Not only will T and I be spending the longest stretch apart since we first met, but I will also be having to censor my thoughts and feelings so that my sister can have her day...again... So yeah, while I am incredibly happy for my sister to be getting married to her best friend, I have to hide the fact that T is quickly becoming one of mine. 

I'm struggling with not putting anything on Facebook, telling the world why I am incredibly happy, or anything other than I've been writing. Why can't I be allowed to speak my mind for fear of my sister's and my dad's reaction? I just want to be happy and T is making me incredibly happy right now, respecting my limits while pushing me further than I've been pushed in a long time. 

I've told my mom that I am dating a guy, but she doesn't know the half of it. He has made me chocolate pudding, from scratch, accommodating to my dairy allergy. He has already told the world that he's in a relationship and I want to join him, but this wedding is forcing me to keep quiet. 

I'm just incredibly frustrated at the situation, and there is nothing I can do besides letting the time pass. So, here's me letting this post be my outlet to the world right now without allowing my sister find out what I've actually been doing these past tw
o months. 
  • Current Music
    I See You by Mika

And so my third year is dead and gone...

It has been quite the roller-coaster of a year, but I am done...three down, one to go...

Between all the deaths and the trips to the hospital, I don't want to repeat this past year...ever...it was hell to have one of my roommates on the brink of death and two of my future roommates in the psych ward at the hospital because they couldn't deal with this year...and I brought them in, making me feel guilty about telling them that they need to forget about school for a little while and focus on themselves more. UPDATE: All three friends/roommates are doing fine and are happy that this year is done.

However, I have a bigger bone to pick, particularly since I get the lovely joy of being in close quarters to this person for the next three weeks. Earlier today, I was super excited for one of my friends to show up for rehearsal as she was going to stay at my house before we leave for Europe next week. This was only dashed when she notified me via FACEBOOK...of all things...and not even to my face...that she will be staying at another friend's house. This broke my heart as I have been looking forward to spending time with her again as every time she comes to C, she hangs out with those friends and we never get to see one another. It pisses me off that she thought that when I said "fine", I truly meant "no, not okay, I'm thoroughly disappointed right now that it's making me sick to my stomach". But then again, what could I have said? I understand that since we are both her friends, pain/anger/disappointment was going to happen...but I hate that it is me that had to feel those emotions.

My roommates have all moved out, leaving me a taste of what it is going to be like this summer when I will have no one here. It's really quiet...I don't know what I will discover, spending more time away from my home and my family and my friends, but I hope it gives me the time to finish my book...I need to get it done by October...and I am no where close to being halfway done...

Some way some how, I have squeaked out two A's so far and one B+...despite the craziness (drama) of this year...Marks wise, this has been my best year yet, but it makes me sad to know that it doesn't feel like that. It feels like I should have gotten Cs and Ds as I truly had no time to study or do my readings or sleep as I was too worried of one friend or another. 

Also, I have noticed over the past few days, especially with the recent election, that many ADULTS do not know what the definition of STUDENT is...let me clarify, they either classify university students as ineligible to vote (too young in their minds) or as adults who make more money than the rest of the world (tax place that shall be nameless....grrr...). So I am going to set the record straight. 

I am a student. I go to classes every day of the week, try and study for the rest, have absolutely no social life and have no time to carry a steady job and keep up my grades. I am stressed from September to May as I have no time to myself. I do not need people who are supposedly smarter than me to tell me that I cannot vote despite being 21. I do not need people to tell me that the student fee only counts for high school students when last year and the year before, when I was still in university, I paid the student fee to get my taxes done. So to those people who do not understand the stress that is university life, imagine that you are the brand-new parent of five to eight newborns and you have no one to help you, and everyone tries to detriment making life easier. That is what university life is like. 

  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off